postaday

Look Into My Eyes

~ Susan Jarreau ~ Leave a comment

Daily Prompt – Paint

I pull up to the building and stare with vacant eyes. Sitting for the few precious remaining moments in my air-conditioned car, I listen to the sad song chosen especially for the drive. Lately everything I do is chosen to reflect my sad state of mind. I’ve begun to retreat inside myself, to my imaginary world where I am in control. Where things go smoothly and the world seems right and just and everything has a shiny Disney tint.

But there are times, like right now, sitting in my car waiting to go to work, when I have to return to reality. When the real world intrudes on the perfect world I’ve constructed in my head. Sighing, I check my makeup in the mirror and paint a smile on my face. I note the sadness in my eyes. I can’t change that, only hope that nobody will see past the fake smile and notice that it doesn’t quite extend to my eyes. The eyes always tell the story. If you want to know about anyone, look into their eyes. You will see everything you need to see.

My fatal flaw

~ Susan Jarreau ~ Leave a comment

Daily Prompt – Stubborn

I’m stubborn. It’s both a flaw and a strength. When I feel strongly about something I’ll dig my heels in and my faith will not waver. If I’m on your side, you will appreciate my obstinance. Together we will slay dragons and conquer the world.

But when there is discord I refuse to yield. Détente is merely a sophisticated word to me. There is no compromise and you don’t want to be on the wrong side of the sword. It’s my fatal flaw really. The fact that I’m stubborn is both a blessing and a curse. It only depends on which side you fall.

A Gift to You, Whoever You Are

~ Susan Jarreau ~ Leave a comment

Daily Prompt – Praise

I write words. My voice is my own. An authentic representation of the ideas that roam around in my head. They come out through my pen onto paper, sometimes haphazardly, until I organize and reform them into cohesive thoughts.

I send these missives out as a gift. A piece of myself I’m willing to share with strangers. Still, they are a part of me. I am as proud of them as I am proud of myself. I welcome your perusal. I appreciate your kind response. But I don’t need your praise. My own gratification is approval enough.

Craving

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Daily Prompt – Craving

My eyes flutter open and I look at the clock. 3 am. I have a craving that only you can fill. A need deep inside me; physical, carnal, emotional, spiritual, all at once. I reach for your side of the bed and feel the cool sheets under my fingers. Blinking I try to remember. Yes, you left three days ago. The note on the bedside table said you would be back sometime in the fall. You had to find yourself.

Turning on my side I reach for your pillow and pull it against my body, as if it could replace you. It smells of your cologne and sweat and our love. I close my eyes and let my memories of our last time flood over me as I touch myself, allowing a physical release that would have to suffice. My craving will not be completely sated until the leaves make their magical transformation into their splendid autumn color palette. Until you return to me.

My torment and salvation

~ Susan Jarreau ~ Leave a comment

Daily Prompt – Muse

My muse likes to taunt me. Like a mermaid perched on a rock in the middle of the rough seas she calls to me. And I, always naive, grasp at her. I can feel her graze against my fingertips, just out of reach. She calls me to her rocky shores, dangerous territory to a novice writer like me. I have not yet learned to navigate the highs and lows that writers experience from a coquettish muse.  She mocks me and I respond with resentment and indignation. But muse has far more experience than I. She giggles and retreats to her perch, waiting for my next foray into the written word.

Profound

~ Susan Jarreau ~ Leave a comment

Daily Prompt – Profound

Profound. Such an easy word to write about, I thought. I sat and thought and nothing came to mind. This is silly. It shouldn’t be this hard. I’ll look up the definition. Adj: having deep insight or understanding; deep meaning; going beneath what is superficial. Okay, now we’re talking. Here we go. . . . Still nothing. Perhaps it’s the word itself that intimidates me. How can I write about something being profound when the word evokes such high standards and lofty ideals. My life is not profound. I’m just an average sort of person living an average sort of life. I’m prone to sarcasm. At times I am humorous. But profound is not a word I use in my everyday vernacular. it really does intimidate me. Perhaps because I like being an average sort of person living an average sort of life. Even if I really could be more. It feels safe. And for now I think I’ll stay on the safe side.

No Apology

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Daily Prompt – Apology

I make no apology for who I am.

I’ve traveled beyond that point in my life.

Where I have to explain myself.

Or try to be something I’m not.

Take me as I am or leave me.

I make no apology.

This I who I am.

Narcisissm

~ Susan Jarreau ~ Leave a comment

Daily Prompt – Dramatic

“Don’t be so goddamned dramatic.” He spat the words out as if they were poison.

His words were poison to me. I had caught him again. This time before he had a chance to do anything, but he was still caught. It was an email with directions to a hotel room where she should meet him. While I was away on a business trip. Again. At least he was predictable.

When I confronted him with the evidence of course he deflected the conversation to me and my so-called insecurities. “Don’t be so goddamned dramatic.” He said that the first time I accused him and so I, in my shame, retracted my accusation. Then later learned it was true. He back-pedaled and told me it was my fault for smothering him, and I believed him. Each time, each story, each shameful reproach I believed.

This time I caught him before he cheated. Still, he was ready with the deflection. He was prepared to shame me into submission. “Don’t be so goddamned dramatic. It was nothing. Just a meeting. You’re so fucking paranoid.”

I took a deep breath and looked at his face. Suddenly he didn’t seem so handsome, he lacked the charm of our first meeting. The shiny new version had been replaced by this dull, tedious, tiresome person I no longer recognized.

I stood to face him. “No drama.” I kissed him on the cheek and walked out the door, smiling.

On the Other Side

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Daily Prompt – Admire

She stared across the street and thought, “I admire you. You leave the house in the mornings looking so polished in your business suit and designer shoes. Your hair and makeup are always in place and your nail polish is never chipped or dull. Your house must be immaculate. No crayon marks on the walls or juice stains on the carpet. You probably have time to yourself each night, to read or take a bath with no interruption.” She sighed and turned back to the clamor of her children behind her and began to pick up the toys strewn across the messy living room floor.

She stared across the street and thought, “I admire you. You kiss your husband good-bye every morning while holding your newborn baby. You stay home and raise your three beautiful children. Your days are full with the meaning of caring for your family. Your house must be full with the sounds of laughter and love. You probably never feel alone, there’s always someone to hug or kiss you when you need it.” She sighed and turned back to the silence of the empty room and poured herself a glass of wine.

I Am

~ Susan Jarreau ~ Leave a comment

Daily Prompt – Unstoppable

It’s a feeling you have when you’re young. Before the world has shown you its cruelty and worn your spirit. Like a seed planted just after the last winter frost, that bursts forth with the spring rains. You are invincible. You are driven. You are unstoppable. One day you will be a force to be reckoned with. One day you will be exactly who you plan to be.

Then one day comes and you look in the mirror and you don’t see the invincible, driven, unstoppable woman you planned to be. You weren’t a force to be reckoned with. You smile. Even better. You became the woman you see in the mirror.

 

In Situ

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Daily Prompt – Crisis

No warning flag was raised; no alarm was sounded.

There was a crisis of faith in situ.

It began very early, when I first concluded that right is wrong.

And virtue is not virtuous.

That hell hath no fury,

And Heaven hath no peace.

That if the good die young

And young is just a state of mind

Then the good just die.

Father Michael was no help.

Give me your confession and I’ll pray for your soul.

Small concession.

How could I look at him again with no shame?

It was a crisis of faith in situ.

That grew.

thoughts elusive

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Daily Prompt – Elusive

I struggle today, my thoughts elusive, hovering just out of reach, hesitating to tell my story. My pen hovers over the paper, my hand shaking with anticipation. Still nothing comes. I sigh and put the pen down until tomorrow.

Sanctuary

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Daily Prompt – Sanctuary

And in my darkest hours, I had only to close my eyes and recall the echoing melodies that rumbled from his chest in moments of lightheartedness. I summoned the sound of his laughter and took sanctuary there.

Feast – A Mother’s Lament

~ Susan Jarreau ~ 2 Comments

Daily Prompt – Feast

The linens had been pressed and neatly draped across the cherry table. The china was removed from the cabinet and carefully washed and dried then meticulously arranged. The silver retrieved from its chest and polished to gleam brightly, placed just so in a precise order. Crystal goblets of various sizes came from the highest shelves of the cupboard and found their places at each place setting. Five in all, four for her son’s family and one for her. Last years candles were replaced with fresh new white candles bought yesterday, their white wicks standing stiffly upright.

The timing had to be perfect. Her list in hand, she began to check off each item one by one. As the time neared, her heart began to quicken and a smile formed on her face. This year she was nearly impeccable. She moved quickly to pull food out of the steamy oven, place it neatly onto serving trays, positioned appealingly. The feast was arranged exquisitely on the table. She lit the candles and waited. They were sure to arrive any minute. The invitation had been set for 7:00. And it was precisely 7:00.

She poured herself a half glass of white wine. She knew they would come. Perhaps they were stuck in traffic. She looked at the clock and it was 7:15. Perhaps one of the children’s soccer games ran late. They could have called but it must have slipped their minds.She looked at the clock and it was 7:30. She poured herself another half glass of white wine. Perhaps. Perhaps. She sighed and finished her wine then stood and blew the candles out. Happy birthday to me.

Frail, Fragile Things

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Daily Prompt – Frail

Faint memories skimmed the edges of her mind like dragonflies alighting the surface of a pond. She struggled to grasp them and hold onto them but they fell through her fingers and away like so many others. She was once strong and fierce, a force to be reckoned with. But with the softness and sweetness of an angel. Her life had been a struggle, but not more so than anyone else. She held her head high, proud to call herself a woman. Proud to call herself a wife, a mother. Proud to be a God fearing woman who earned an honest wage.

The years came and went and she stayed strong and fierce. The struggle remained and she fought with everything in her. But eventually, no matter how strong and fierce, no matter how soft and sweet, we lose the fight. We become such frail, fragile things. Mere shadows of our former selves.

Her frail memory would not let her recall her former glory. Nor could she remember how strong and fierce she once was. Or how soft and sweet. She struggled to find any memories at all. They all seemed to be just there, at the edge of her mind, where the dragonflies alit on the surface.

Drive

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Daily Prompt – Drive

I sit, paralyzed with fear. I can’t leave but I can’t stay. My heart tells me to run as fast and as far as I can. Get in the car and drive and never look back. But my head . . . damn if my head doesn’t tell me the same thing. Except something is keeping me from leaving. Not my heart, not my head. Then what? Fear. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear that I might be okay alone and fear that I might not. I want to get in the car and drive. Drive as far and as fast as I can and never look back. I don’t care what direction, as long as it’s away from here. But I sit, paralyzed with fear.

Storm on the Horizon

~ Susan Jarreau ~ 1 Comment

Daily Prompt – Storm

A storm was brewing on the horizon. She could feel it in her bones. She always knew when there was something coming. A dark cloud hung over her. She got a strange chill in her spine, that feeling you get when you think someone is following you in the shadows. It was going to be a bad night. She braced herself for the worst.

He burst into the room like a Category 4 hurricane, winds howling, rain pelting against the glass windows, battering the house with its full force. Except it wasn’t an outside force. This rage came from within.

She stood ready to withstand the gale. She had done this before. It wasn’t her first battle with him and his demons. But she loved him and she was willing to fight for him, with him. First there would be the accusation. She would counter with facts. The truth about where she was, who she was with, proof of her innocence. Then there would be the doubt. Perhaps someone was covering for her. A friend providing an alibi. An elaborate cover-up. He had a great imagination when it came to her testimony.

They would have a free-for-all fight. Throw words at each other, accusations, ugly reminders of past discretions. He would go for the liquor cabinet. That was a certainty. He liked his bourbon on nights like these. She would have liked to stop him but it only urged him on. So she watched him pour two fingers and drink, hoping it would stop at one glass.

He would glare at her in contempt and she would cringe, knowing the one time mistake would forever haunt her. For this she paid the price time and again. The storm raged on. Eventually he would calm, either pass out or let the rage pass and sleep in the guest bedroom down the hall. She was left on her own, to relive her own failures, her own regrets. She was a fallen woman and no amount of penance would change that.

The storm had come and passed. Once again she had weathered it. But at what cost?

 

Save the China for Guests

~ Susan Jarreau ~ 1 Comment

Daily Prompt – Guest

My mother told me to save the fine china for when we had guests. Except we never have guests. I’m an introvert. I married an introvert. We don’t like dinner parties. We barely like family dinners. Except with our two sons. Who don’t appreciate fine china.

I don’t know why I even got the china. Tradition. I didn’t have a ‘real’ wedding. It was a halfway elopement. The china came as birthday and Christmas and anniversary presents for years afterwards from my mother-in-law until I finally told her I had a complete set. And I’ve used it exactly once. At Thanksgiving. To prove a point. That I had a set of fine china and I could use it. It made my husband and sons extremely uncomfortable. Then they glared at me when I told them they couldn’t put it in the dishwasher.

I’ve tried to use the china again. But my husband resists at every turn. He hates it when I pull out a tablecloth. “No, I’ll just spill something on it and stain it.” He puts a dishcloth underneath his plate to protect the $30.00 tablecloth. So fine china is a no go in our house. It sits on the top shelf of the cabinet. Occasionally I think about pulling it down to use for dinner. Then I think about my mother. “Save the fine china for when you have guests.” I sigh. But I don’t have guests.

Cowardice

~ Susan Jarreau ~ 1 Comment

Daily Prompt – Cowardice

I sit here alone. Fighting the urge to talk. No, I’ve drawn my line. I’m right. I’m RIGHT. That’s what matters. After all it’s a black and white world. Or at least it should be. I’m right. And what happened to me is wrong. So I made my stand. My silent stand. We’ll see how many people miss me. My friends, my true friends, they should stand with me. They should defend me. I won’t be alone. Will I? Are there people who will fight for someone else’s honor any more? Am I the last great hero? Is my silence just an act of cowardice?