Blank pages scatter like leaves in the autumn of my life.
And I am tired.
He was lost to me now
In time and distance
A memory I desperately
Wanted to relive
Or maybe just a dream
Dancing on the edge
Of my heart
I closed my eyes
And heard the sound of his voice
Calling my name
It was all so vivid
I couldn’t tell
Where imaginary began
And reality ended
I died long ago
A talking corpse now
I walk the earth
An empty shell
A hazy reminder
Of life’s imperfections
And forgotten dreams
Once you accept
That not everyone
Will be happy
In their life
To be able
I am a child of the stars
My destiny is written
In the shadows of the universe
Where rainbows of light
Burst through the air
Arcs of hopes and dreams
Ready to alight
On a distant moon
In a far-off galaxy
I build castles in the sky
To escape the prison walls
Around my heart
That years of pain
And fear and neglect
Have fixed into place
Mortar and stone
Cemented with tears
An impenetrable fortress
Leaving me safe but alone
Shades of gray
Tinge my hollow eyes
My heart cries bitter tears
That refuse to bleed
And there is an
Where the sad used to be
I softly whispered, “Where did you go?”
To the sleeping ghost of a man beside me.
He was all but gone from me now.
The only thing left was the actual goodbye.
He had been leaving for a while now,
It was a long time coming.
Still, I was wholly unprepared
For the ache in my heart
And the hole in my life
That had yet to appear
But had already consumed me.
For now, I would lie next to him
And welcome his warmth.
And take this one last chance
To remember all that might have been.
He offered me a house
Built on false hopes
And empty promises
Sweet words of
Dreams come true
Offered on a
Cloud lined with silver plate
Tell me your secrets and I’ll tell you mine.
Nothing is sacred, and nothing is real.
Lies turned into good intentions
Are still lies
Into my soul
He tugged on my sleeve, a tiny urchin who couldn’t have been more than four, and deep, soulful brown eyes locked with mine as he motioned behind me to a balloon bobbing against the ceiling. Smiling, I stretched my hand to the bright ribbon trailing down through the air and tugged it down to his chubby fingers. With a giggle he was off, running happily down the hall with the red balloon sailing behind him.
I tried to ease your pain and
You turned instead to the bottle or
To the bed of a dozen nameless,
Faceless women who could do
Little to soothe the parts of you
That needed healing
I whisper my dreams to the night air
Carried away to a distant star
They dance in the universe
And rain down on me
Blessings from the heavens
The noise in my head
Has grown quiet
Biding its time
Until midnight awakens
The dark embers within
Savannah turned the corner from her bedroom and entered the kitchen, fastening the gold hoop earring on her lobe and fluffing out her long auburn hair. A steaming bowl of rich gumbo, thickened with a distinctive sassafras filé, sat on the counter, no doubt left by her Maw Maw who always left something for supper before she went to Mass on Saturday. Luckily, Savannah was alone to eat, able to avoid the awkward conversation that frequently arose at mealtime about the fact she was still single at the age of thirty. An unprecedented occurrence in her family which caused a controversy that was brought up at every opportunity, including family dinners on Saturday with all her aunts, uncles and cousins chiming in with their respective opinions. Sometimes a large family was a disadvantage.
It’s a fact that flowers smell sweeter after a soft spring rain and puppies are more cuddly after a hard break-up and the sound of his voice saying “Good-bye” will echo in my heart forever.
Her life was messy in a complicated Thursday night sitcom sort of way. Although her apartment wasn’t quite as nice, and she didn’t have nearly as much free time. Still, sometimes she could laugh, and other times she only wanted to cry. There were nights, lying alone in bed when she desperately waited for the director to yell “Cut.” But it never came. So, she woke, and dressed, and went about her day, half fantasy and half reality. Living in her messy, complicated, Thursday night sitcom life.
The forlorn foghorn rang out in the dense night air, as if calling for her lost love, to bring him safely home.
He bent down and kissed her forehead and a wave of emotion surged through her. Flashing a winsome smile, he disappeared through the doorway, waving goodbye. “I’ll see you tonight, sweetheart.”
It would be the last time she would see his smile.
She sat in her favorite cozy overstuffed chair, flames of orange danced in the fireplace and cast a warm glow in the darkening room. A half-drunk cup of Earl Grey tea kept her hands company in her lap as her mind played over memories of the last ten years with him. The smile on her face changed from timid to beaming to amused to sad as she relived every moment, every adventure, every heartbreak to the last good-bye. When she was finished, she tucked them all away for the night, like a mother bundling her precious babies. She was certain would take them out again. On another cold and lonely night, in front of a comforting and warm fire, until she was over him.
I confess my love in silence
Words of adoration offered as a prayer
You, unwilling victim
Never knowing my heart’s desire
Driving through the country roads towards the small town where I lived, in the last evening light, my mind was ticking off the items on my to-do list when an old but familiar voice softly crooned on the radio. Jolted from my thoughts, I reached for the dial and turned the sound up, fingertips lingering on the knob while a wistful smile crossed my face. “Do you hear what I hear? Ringing through the sky shepherd boy.” My cowboy was singing, not just for me but for everyone.
The setting sun was glistening off the lightly falling snow and the meadow in front of me looked perfectly arranged for a winter wedding; late blooms of color peeking out of the new snow, circles of evergreen giving promise of new life, and the fresh, white snow signaling a brand-new start. A sob formed in my chest and unexpected tears slipped down my cheeks, I quickly brushed them away as if it could ease the sudden ache that had formed in the center of my heart, the place where he began and ended.
I was sadly proud of him. In the years that we had spent apart, he had made a name for himself and shared his beautiful gift of song with the world. It was what he dreamed about and that made it my dream too. I hadn’t known then what I would be giving up now. But isn’t that the way the world goes? It was subtle, a week away, then two, a month here and there. Not unlike his life before only different. Too late we realized how much had changed and then, you really can never go back.
My thoughts returned to the deep whiskey melody filling my car. Maybe it was fate, hearing him on the radio, singing my favorite Christmas song after all these years. Maybe he hadn’t even remembered it was my favorite song. Either way, our life together had not worked out. But I found happiness anyway. I hoped with all my heart that he had too. And, I would always cherish my memories of him, my sweet cowboy.
Alone. I sat in the dark stillness, silent tears threatening to betray my broken heart. New beginnings only sound shiny and cheerful in greeting cards and inspirational posters. My future didn’t look bright, just lonely and sad.
It’s easy to write every day. You simply write something. Every day. But to write something good, that’s a bit more challenging. And often what keeps writers from writing. Every day. It’s not enough to speak for the sake of speaking. Words should provoke thought, emotion, feeling. Words without meaning are merely noise. A meager offering to a starving crowd.
To write every day requires words yes, but also something to say. Please forgive my silence.
She woke in a dark room
The silhouette of a familiar stranger tangled in the sheets beside her
She slipped quietly out of the bed and dressed quickly
Eager to leave before he stirred
Like a thief stealing away without a trace
Into the early morning dawn
The promises of a new day on the horizon
She was the thief of her own heart
Never allowing herself close enough to anyone
To risk the loss
He sat on a stool in the center of the smoky stage, soft lights focused on his face, his hands, his guitar. The sleeves of his worn plaid shirt were rolled up, revealing his tanned forearms, strong hands with calloused fingers gently strumming a beautiful melody. His chestnut hair was longer now, falling in soft layers that framed his face, then curling into waves at the nape. His eyes were closed, fringed with long, dark lashes. Rough stubble darkened his face, giving him a disheveled, sexy appeal. As he sang, his lips formed that familiar heart shape when they pursed together, and unleashed a deep croon when they came apart. The effect was altogether sensual.
I sat motionless on my bar stool, not daring to move – not wanting to leave this moment. He sang for me. In his deep whiskey siren song, I heard the pleas of his heart and the promises from his soul. I succumbed to the overwhelming emotions coursing through me and tasted the salty relief that slid down my cheeks. As he asked, my heart had listened and his song had moved me to tears. For so long I had questioned his intentions and his motivations. Life had beaten him down, broken his spirit. I wondered if the past would always haunt him. While he wandered and chased his dream, I hoped that he would realize his dream was waiting for him to come home.
That night my cowboy sang his song for me. His words touched my soul. And I finally saw forever in his eyes.
The Cowboy Series
She arrived fashionably late and charmingly tipsy, trailing bubbles of laughter like a champagne bottle that had popped its cork.
We deny our feelings as if we could avoid the pain of loss and the misery of a broken heart simply by our silent assent.