Look at What I’ve Done

A Chris Evans Fanfiction

“Alyssa, we need to talk.” It was so cliché but Chris didn’t know what else to say. He wanted out.

It wasn’t Alyssa. Not exactly. He loved her; he had for a very long time. She was kind and generous and caring. She was funny and smart and made him laugh. On top of it she was beautiful inside and out. But it wasn’t enough anymore. Because Chris needed more. He needed something, someone who understood the bigger picture. Alyssa was content with her life, with their life, just the way it was. And Chris needed someone who wanted to move to the next level.

Alyssa and Chris had been dating for four and a half years. She followed Chris to Los Angeles even though she really just wanted to stay in Boston and she had enthusiastically supported him because that’s who she was. She had been with Chris from the beginning when his career was nothing but auditions. She was always by his side even in the times he was ready to quit and go home. She never let him give up on his dream. And she never asked for anything. This is why he didn’t understand her hesitation when he wanted to sign a long-term movie contract.

They argued for weeks but she couldn’t give him a valid reason for him to turn down the contract. He tried every way he could to get her to talk to him. Maybe she wanted to get married. Maybe she wanted to have children. Maybe she wanted to move back to Boston. She wouldn’t say anything to him. He saw it as a sign that it was time for him to move on. To move forward with his career, with his life, without her.

This was problematic because as supportive as Alyssa was of Chris, she was just as dependent on him. He had always been her rock and she leaned on him for support. When her mother had a health scare it was Chris who held her hand and wiped away the tears and told her everything would be okay. Chris had a way of soothing Alyssa’s fears and being strong when she needed it. Now that he was leaving her who would she turn to for strength?

“Alyssa, you know I love you. This is so hard for me to say.” Tears began to spill from Alyssa’s eyes and Chris got a bad feeling in his stomach. He hated seeing girls cry, especially when he was the cause. He could see by the look in her eyes that she knew what was coming. She wasn’t going to make it through this. She wouldn’t have him to get her through it.

He took her hands in his. “I just don’t feel like we’re going in the same direction anymore. We used to want the same things and now . . .” He let his voice trail off so he didn’t have to say the words. He felt like a coward and looked at the floor. She would have to go through this break-up alone; obviously, he wouldn’t be here for her. Would she even stay in Los Angeles? He hadn’t thought that far ahead. He only knew he had to move on. And he hoped she wouldn’t completely fall apart.

Chris was in Boston at his favorite restaurant. He was sitting with a group of friends having dinner and laughing about old times when he looked up and saw Alyssa. He froze. He hadn’t seen her since they broke up, well since he broke up with her, almost three years ago. His heart beat fast when he remembered the way he had left her and he felt guilty. She had almost had a nervous breakdown. His family tried to downplay it but he heard the stories from friends. She had moved back to Boston to live with her family while she got back on her feet. But it took a long time for her to recover.

But now, she looked stunning and elegant and confident and amazing and he couldn’t take his eyes off her. Her nutmeg colored hair fell in long waves just past her shoulders. The emerald green dress she wore played off her ivory skin and he could see her deep cocoa eyes in his memory. She still had the same beautiful figure with the slight hint of curves at the hips rolling into long lithe legs strapped into silver heels. Looking at her now he remembered all of the reasons why he had fallen in love with her and he couldn’t remember any of the reasons why he had broken up with her.

Chris was grinning like an idiot when he decided to go talk to her. But before he got to her a tall well-dressed man approached her. Of course; she was beautiful, she must have men hitting on her all the time. But the way the man put his hand on the small of her back and leaned in to whisper in her ear displayed an intimacy on a level of more than mere familiarity. He walked away and Chris inched closer. Alyssa glanced in Chris’ direction and her eyes lit with recognition.

“Alyssa, it’s good to see you. How are you?” Chris had to fight to keep his emotions under control. Everything he ever felt for her came flooding back.

She kept the look on her face neutral. “I’ve been well. I’m working at the hospital.” The man with her returned with her coat. “Chris, this is Michael.” The men shook hands. Alyssa gave Chris a polite smile but he could see the smile didn’t quite extend to her eyes. “It’s nice to see you again. We really have to go though. Goodbye Chris.” She leaned in and softly kissed him on the cheek then turned to leave, grabbing Michael’s hand and looking up at him with an adoring smile.

Chris stood for a few seconds with a stunned look on his face then a soft crestfallen smile formed. He had broken up with Alyssa but never gave it another thought. He moved on, moved up, moved forward to bigger and better things but never healed. His feelings from their relationship, from the break-up were just suspended in time. He sent her packing back to Boston without much thought and she took that opportunity to grieve and grow and move on. And he thought he had moved on. But he hadn’t. Not really. He was only now figuring this out.

All this time he thought Alyssa had been the problem. That she hadn’t seen the bigger picture and didn’t want more out of life. Now he saw that she was different. She was the person he had wanted her to be. Maybe if he had waited, if he had given her more time or tried harder. He should have made it work. Now Chris was the one left alone, wishing he could take everything back. Now it was his turn to fall apart.

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